Jokes Please?

[theory]

A Scotsman dressed in full highland military regalia marches into a drugstore and places a tattered prophylactic on the counter. It's torn and misshapen and bears evidence of crude prior repairs. He looks the bewildered druggist in the eye and asks "Kin ye fix it?" After overcoming the initial waves of shock and disgust, the man peruses the item from a safe distance and says, "Aye, I believe so." "How much?" asks the soldier. “75 pence,” the man stammers, hastily adding “but there'll be no guarantee o' the result” while shuddering at the images swirling inside his head. “And how much fer a new one?” comes the stern demand. “One pound,” comes the wistful reply. Several minutes pass as the somber highlander considers the matter, pacing back and forth, hands clasped behind him. Finally, and with obvious reluctance, he reaches into a pouch and withdraws a crumpled note, slams it on the counter and announces: “The rrregiment will rrreplace.”

[Moonpaths]

[Andrew W]

My best friend died of heartburn yesterday.

Poor Gav is gone.

[Rainer Frilund]

My best friend died of heartburn yesterday.

Poor Gav is gone.

Above is the symbolic presentation of my thoughts
after reading Andrew's joke. Had to read it out loud
to get the joke. Same stuff is available here in Finland
too.

[Andrew W]

Rainer - glad you got there in the end!!!

[Nizzy]

Auld Bob lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from Elsie, his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon, angrily brandished by his wife...

"Fuck off, you!" said Elsie.

"They're for the funeral."

[spider]

Auld Bob lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from Elsie, his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon, angrily brandished by his wife...

"Fuck off, you!" said Elsie.

"They're for the funeral."

Damn, I thought you was talking about Billy.

[boneidol]

I went up into the loft to get down the Christmas decorations,when i found a present i should've given the boy last year.Shame,he would've loved that puppy.......

[ashhead]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do,
we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[spider]

Absolutely hilarious. Good one Ron.